A Gift for Flora
by bronteperfectday
Summary: Caroline tells of Flora growing up through a series of letters to Kate. An idea that came from an earlier one off story
1. Chapter 1

A/N This chapter includes material published earlier under Letter for Kate

Chapter One:

Flora picked up the photo of her two mothers on their wedding day that had sat on the dressing table for as long as she had known. She looked at the brown eyed mother she had never known except through the lens of others. The eyes looking back at her were kind and gentle. She looked at the fair haired mother who had brought her up. Her blue eyes looking back were intelligent and full of sparkle, and as Flora had known all her life were capable of reflecting such immense love.

Her own brown eyes filled with tears. They had obviously been so happy that day only for it to be snatched away the very next day. The day she was born.

Her brother William came into the room.

"Everyone's gone. Just the family left. How are you holding up?"

Dear kind William always looking out for others. The picture was still in her hand.

It's a lovely picture isn't it" commented her brother. " I remember the day so well. They were both so happy."

"Why did she have to go now William. I am not ready to say goodbye."

"I think she was tired of being without Kate, your mother. She always believed they would be together again and I think she was just ready to go. We have to let her go sis. She lived without Kate for a very long time. It's time they were together"

"But she was only 77."

"Mum always said she would be happy to live to see you settled Flora and you are. You have your own family now, Erin and little Katie and a great career ahead of you. You will always have me to lean on if you need and even Laurence. I know he can still be a right pillock at times but he does love you."

Flora looked at the picture again. "Do you think mum resented me William? You know for reminding her every year of what happened?"

William put his arm around his sister and gave her a hug "Don't think that Flora not even for a second. She loved you fiercely. I won't pretend it was easy at first but from the moment you were born you were precious."

Letting his sister go he walked over to his mother's big old oak chest and took a parcel out of the drawer.

"Mum left this for you. I think you need to read it."

William handed Flora the parcel and quietly left the room. On opening it Flora found a beautiful book bound in soft red leather. Written on the front in gold was _Letters to Kate_. She took the book and walked over the large bay window. There she sat in her mother's big old rocking chair and began to examine it. She opened the book. Inside the pages were filled with her mother's beautiful handwriting. Dotted throughout were photos of her and the family. Intrigued she turned to the first page and began to read. To her surprise the first letter was to her. Along with the letter was an old ultrasound picture she had never seen before and a photo of her as a new baby lying in the arms of her Grandmother. Taking a breath she began to read.

_January 2045_

_My darling daughter Flora_

_I asked William to give you this upon my death so if you are reading this I have gone. Don't be angry with me for going. I have lived for 30 years without the physical presence of your mother and it was time for me to join her. In all those years since she died I have never stopped missing her. What has made it easier has been watching you growing up. I have loved every minute of it. You have been one of the great salves on the wound left by her loss._

_You are so like her you know. You have her kindness and her gentleness and that bit of steel when pushed too far. Your soul shines out of everything you do. She would have been so proud of you just as I am._

_It has been such a privilege to see the wonderful young woman that is you emerging over the years. Who would have thought we would have a medical doctor in the family, two counting Erin. I am so glad you and Erin found each other. Your souls were meant to be together just as your mother's and mine were meant to be together. The love you share is one of the reasons I can go in peace. And now you have little Katie. I am sorry I won't see her growing up. Make sure you tell her about me and your mother. Embrace them both dearest Flora, hold them close. They will keep you grounded._

_I know you will be hurting right now. This book is my gift to you to ease the hurt. Every year on your birthday I wrote a letter to your mother. I haven't included all of them here in this book but I have put in those I think will be important to you to remind you of the milestones in our lives. _

_The hurt of my going will pass my beautiful daughter. Lean on William if you need to. He loves you to bits as does all his family. Laurence too for all his faults loves you and would be there in an instant if you need help._

_And take through your life the knowledge that I have loved you all your life from the moment I saw you on a fuzzy ultrasound scan before you were born. That love doesn't disappear in death._

_Your loving Mum xx_

Never before had Flora known her mother to be so eloquent about feelings. She had grown up in an extended family that was chaotic and warm and had known very much that she was loved but her scientist mother was not one for expressing her feelings very often preferring to stay in the realm of facts. Her heart swelled and her eyes blurred. Taking a very deep breath she pushed her emotions down and turned to the next letter.

_January 2015_

_My dearest love_

_True connections are born not made. They come along sparingly in life. Often we don't even recognise them. Those connections that bind us to another in the very depth of our hearts and minds and souls. Those connections that follow us through our lives and cannot be severed by time or distance or death. We use the word "love" but love comes in many forms, is hijacked for the mundane and thrown out of people's mouths on a whim. The word somehow doesn't do justice to those true connections._

_The Caroline of old would have said that was all bullshit, just karmic mumbo jumbo but that was before you came along my dearest kind and gentle Kate. You taught me the meaning of true connections._

_I wasn't the easiest of pupils was I. A slow learner I guess you could call me. I must have been such hard work for you, worse than 9F, but you persevered. It wasn't that I didn't know, not deep down anyway. My soul recognised yours from that very first kiss. It was my head that refused to accept that I Caroline Dawson could do relationships. Your patience helped me realise a different narrative. I know it wasn't easy for you. I forced you away more than once with my lack of understanding. I am so grateful that you understood the true connection and didn't give up on me. That you helped me be the person I was meant to be._

_The day we married was the happiest day of my life or should I say of this life my darling because I am certain our souls will find each other in future lives. Our wedding day was the day I totally absolutely and irrevocably surrendered all of my heart mind and soul to you. It was the day I Caroline McKenzie Dawson finally felt as one with another. _

_How cruel of the universe that the day after our wedding was the worst day of my life. It was the day your mind shut down, your heart stopped beating and your body left us. Not your soul Kate not that beautiful soul of yours. It has taken me weeks to realise that my love. I think you might have been disappointed in me. Without your physical presence to keep me centred I have been slow. _

_It's not that I haven't felt your presence. I can hear your words urging me on. I can see your fingers whizzing across the keyboard in a piece of music on the radio. I can hear your voice belting out a Dusty tune and best of all hear your laughter when the wind blows through the trees. I can smell you on the pillow next to me. In the wee dark hours of the morning I can feel your breath on my neck and your hands gently caressing my back. _

_What I lost my dearest Kate was the very essence of you. And then suddenly there is was in front of me where it has been since the day you died. I laughed when I realised. I had wasted so much time resenting, resenting the sleepless nights, the unbearable responsibility, resenting that you weren't there. All that time the essence of you was staring me in the face. I find your soul every time I look into the eyes of our daughter. There you are._

_I am not going to pretend it is going to be easy for me. I have felt so incredibly angry with you for leaving, for going on ahead without me. We should have gone together on our next journey. But I will be ok, for you have left me the precious gift of Flora and I have to be for her. I promise you with every breath I have that she will have the mother you would have been. Perhaps not as calm and gentle but she will know she is loved._

_Till we are together again my dear sweet soul mate I am always your_

_Caroline xx_

The tears that had not flowed since her mother died flowed in earnest. She closed the book knowing she was too raw to read anymore that day though she knew that she would return to this most precious of books. This was a very special gift that her mother had left her.

The door opened quietly and she heard the soothing voice of her own love Erin.

"Kate my darling." Erin held her close and let the tears fall in silence. When Flora could cry no more Erin spoke. "I know it hurts my love it will do for a while. I am here and so is Katie. We will help you through this.

Flora felt the comfort of her partner's arms wash through. I can't read any more tonight. Come on let's go and join the others and have a drink for both of my mums.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two.

The house was very quiet. Laurence and his family had returned home to London. Erin was back at work in emergency at St Mary, ironically the hospital where Flora's mother had died all those years before. Flora had taken leave for a fortnight and to give her a bit of peace William and his wife had taken Katie off to the Yorkshire Sculpture Park. The little girl loved her uncle to bits and was happy to be the centre of his attention for a while.

Flora wandered around the old house that she had grown up, lived all her life and that was now hers, hers and Erin's. Her mother had left it to the couple. What she didn't know was that five years earlier William and Laurence had agreed it went to Flora. Neither needed the money, both had moved away so it was an easy decision. Everything felt so familiar yet the absence of her mother seeped through in every room.

She made her way upstairs into the large bedroom that had been her mother's and once again sat down in the big old rocking chair to lose herself in her mother's letters.

_April 2015_

_My darling Kate_

_It is three months since the funeral but your presence is still there beside me in everything I do. My mother of course thinks I am daft and need counselling but you know what she can be like. I know I am sane and I know I not depressed. I am a scientist and I don't do ghosts. Others can think what they like. I know differently. Your presence is here with me. It's the bond we have simple as that._

_Have I told you about our beautiful daughter. I tell her every day that her mummy would love her and you would Kate. She is so little, ten perfect tiny hands and ten perfect tiny feet, fat little legs always kicking. I don't remember the boys being so little. She is a sweet dear baby. Mind I wouldn't have said that during' The Colic Period'. I give it capitals deliberately. Be thankful you missed that particular period of hell. 6 oclock every evening on the dot. It was like flicking a switch. If ever MI5 are looking for the perfect form of torture they need look no further than a colicky baby. I could have been an extra in that show Laurence loves …what is it now Walking Dead? I looked like hell for weeks. Our Flora has a very powerful set of lungs and more endurance than anyone. Laurence reckons she could cry for England. I am very glad to report The Colic is finally over thank goodness and she sleeps most of the night._

_Now don't be mad at me but I am going down the nanny line and no I don't imagine some supercharged Mary Poppins. I know it's not what you would have wanted but then me bringing Flora up on my own wasn't part of the plan was it. I need to go back to work Kate. I discussed options with Flora and she didn't object. I know you will be disappointed but what was I to do. I'm the one here you know dealing with this while you are who knows where. It won't be good for Flora or anyone if I retire. My mind would go mad. I have to manage this as best I can for everyone. If it doesn't work out I'll think of something else. You know I am a smart cookie. _

_Talking of Laurence he has been a 'fair little shit' to quote Gillian. I feel like composting him. I wish you were here to deal with him. You always were better with stroppy teenage boys. He's been spending a lot of time round at Angus's house which is probably best at the moment. He can't go on like this and yes I know I am going to have to deal with it. I will Kate I will but not right now._

_Anyway to more jovial things. Gillian got married at the weekend to wait for it Robbie! Told her it was none of my business but I think it's a big mistake. Really that woman should come with a health warning. She told me a secret once when you and I weren't speaking and I could never face burdening you with it. Believe me marrying Robbie is a mistake. I was maid of honour..hate that title makes me sound ancient (not that I don't feel it these days) and not sure why I agreed. I wasn't sure I was strong enough for it not so soon after losing you. I knew what you would say though so I put on smile and pretended I hadn't a care in the world. Calm on the surface while paddling madly underneath._

_Of course being Gillian it wasn't without its dramas. The wedding car was our jeep. Coming over the top road out of Rippenden we had a puncture. Not another car in sight and yep no mobile signal. Imagine two women and an old man with a heart condition trying to change a tire. Let's just say my favourite pair of heels were wrecked in the process. We did get there and the show did go on even if the maid of honour looked as if she had been pulled through a hedge. Flora behaved impeccably and was showered with attention. I even noticed Laurence holding her at one stage though the moment he saw me looking he offloaded her onto William quick smart. _

_We met creepy brother Gary at the wedding. That was interesting. Gillian chucked a hiss fit because he wanted to pay for the wedding. He does seem very needy and Alan and Gillian don't seem able to say no to him. I wonder if it is just some kind of misplaced guilt. I can't say I warmed to him or his wife._

_I am still so angry with you leaving my love so just because this letter is chatty don't think otherwise. We were supposed to have a happy ending not mirror all those TV show that lose their way. This emotional pain I feel physically hurts Kate. My body hurts._

"_All things pass" the old nun who taught scripture used to say. Not sure I believe that not at this moment anyway. I think that will take some time if it does but I do want you to know I am managing as best I can. It's not easy I can't pretend it is. I look for you coming through the door, listen for the piano when I get home, expect to see you in the staff room at Sulgrave (the choir has gone to pot without you you know). I haven't been brave enough to get rid of your clothes yet. They still smell of you and I find myself burying my nose into a sleeve thinking this is all just a dream and I will wake up with you beside me. For weeks I slept with that big old cable knit jumped you loved so much telling myself it was to keep me warm on these cold nights. I don't think a day will go by when I don't miss you. _

_There is a star that shines so bright in the sky at the moment and I imagine it's you looking down and laughing with me over something stupid that's happened in the day. I use it as a guiding star. When I need your essence really close I find you in Flora. She has your eyes Kate. They say eyes are the mirror to the soul don't they. I know what they mean._

_Ahh talking of Flora it sounds like someone is hungry. Duty calls. Better go. Until next time my darling _

_Caroline xx _

Flora shut the book. She felt she was on a journey of discovery and she didn't want to reach the destination. Not just yet anyway. The sound of Katie giggling loudly intruded her thoughts and she realised she wasn't alone. Putting her book away safely, she wandered downstairs to join her family.


	3. Chapter 3

A Gift for Flora Chapter Three

The household was back into some kind of rhythm after the couple of tumultuous weeks. Erin and Katie were back into the normal routine of work and child care and everyone else had returned to their lives. Everyone except Flora. She hadn't been ready to go back to the hustle and bustle of the hospital. The loss of Caroline had hit her hard. They hadn't needed a blood tie for mother and child to be close.

Erin had taken Katie to child care for the morning so Flora set about going through her mother's things. She made a start on the chest of drawers deciding what to throw out and what to send to the Op Shop. Underneath the clothes in the top drawer she found an envelope with her name on it. Inside was a beautiful necklace holding two intertwined rings. She knew these were her mothers' wedding rings. Caroline had worn it around her own neck for the last five years ever since the arthritis in her fingers had taken hold. The attached note simply said 'For Flora xx'.

"Oh mum"

Putting the necklace on, leaving the sorting and fetching the red leather bound book, Flora once more settled into Caroline's old rocking chair. Opening up the book she smiled at the two photos facing her. She must have been about a year old in both. A funny little thing with fat little legs. Good job those were a thing of the past. In the first photo she was standing hanging onto Eden the dog she had grown up with. Eden had been highly protective of Flora and the little girl had loved him to bits. The second photo was one she knew well. It had been taken on her first birthday and a larger version stood on the piano downstairs. It was of her and her two brothers and showed her being held in William's arms laughing at Laurence blowing raspberries at her. A happy photo of them all.

The smile still on her face she turned to the next letter.

_January 2016_

_My dearest Kate_

_It's a year. A year since my life was complete and then torn apart. A year since I was given the gift of Flora on the day I lost you. How are you supposed to mark the public joining of two people in love, death and new life within twenty four hours. As I have discovered there are no manuals to follow for this Kate. So to paraphrase Frank Sinatra I have done it my way._

_Do you remember the day you dragged me up Stoodley Pike? You made me put on those hideous boots and made me slog up a muddy trail in the pouring rain with water trickling down my neck and pooling somewhere in the region of my knickers. Torture is what it was yet you were in your element laughing at my discomfort, dismissing my moans and skipping through the puddles. You were like some demented four year old high on E numbers…. And I couldn't have loved you more. When we got to the top the rain suddenly stopped, the cloud cleared and there spread out below us was god's own country. Do you remember I turned to you and you caressed my face between your gentle hands and kissed me with such intensity I lost my breath and time stood still._

_I remember Kate. I remember as if it was yesterday. I decided to honour our commitment to each other and your life by going back to the top of the Pike. You know I am not religious but somehow it seemed fitting to be on high as if the height would bring me closer to you somehow. Now its winter and as you know it does get very cold. This season we have had a lot of snow, but I did my homework and took Laurence off to the hiking shop to help me get the right gear. I even got those hideous boots out. I didn't tell him why and he just thought his mother was losing more of her marbles. I did tell Gillian where I was going in case I didn't return and someone knew where to look. I know it sounds like a totally daft idea when put onto paper but I know you would understand Kate. It felt right._

_I think the universe understood too my love. The sun shone down on our anniversary day. It was one of those beautiful crisp winter days that only we can have.. clear air bright blue sky and the sun sparkling off the snow that has been lying for the last two weeks. You could see for miles. Now I must admit I did have a few qualms about going off on my own and the universe was looking after me in that too. When I got to the bottom of the path there waiting for me were William and Laurence. Gillian had spilt the beans because she was worried. They all thought I shouldn't be on my own on that day of all days. Well that was Gillian and William's view. According to Laurence I apparently have a lousy sense of direction and can't be let out on my own and it would have been far too embarrassing to call out the Mountain Rescue. Whatever it was very kind of them and I admit it was lovely to have the company. _

_When we got to the top they gave me space and time on my own. I sat on the base of the Pike where we ate lunch that time. I read out my wedding poem.. no not my love is like a jeep..the real poem and then your poem. Your words brought me to tears just as they did a year ago and I swear I felt your hand wiping them away as they fell. _

_It was not the only thing that brought me to tears that day. When we got home Laurence and I were on our own in the kitchen. He told me it was wrong of him not to have gone to our wedding and he was sorry. He wished he could turn back the clock and have me happy again. He is still a real shit much of the time but now and again we get glimpses of the man I hope he becomes. We are all doing our best to be a family and I do think he is genuinely fond of our Flora._

_Talking of Flora and I know you must be impatient for news of her, you wouldn't believe how much she has grown in a year. She was crawling before I knew it and into everything. We have had to make the whole place baby proof which drives my mother nuts. It's not only Flora who can't get into drawers and cupboards. Since 'The Colic' went she has been a happy baby and now full of giggles and squeals. Her favourite game at the moment is to be raced round the garden on William's shoulders. She squeals so loudly they can hear her in Halifax. _

_She took her first steps on her birthday. Oh Kate I wish you had been there. It was wonderfully funny. She had been dragging herself to her feet for a while using anything she could find. On this occasion it was Eden (oh have I mentioned Eden. He's the resident boofhead Springer spaniel. I know I said I would never get a dog but Gillian brought him round and I couldn't resist him. He is wonderful with Flora and good for all of us). Anyway Flora dragged herself up using Eden. Suddenly she lost her grip when he decided to chase a fly and her little fat legs went off on their own accord. The look of surprise on her face was priceless. Five steps and she landed on her backside and started to cry. Of course she got lots of praise and an extra (little) bit of birthday cake for being such a clever girl._

_She is going to be a bright thing just like her mother and she seems to have inherited your love for music. Nothing soothes her quite like Bach playing in the background. That and the Beatles especially George songs. Well the girl has taste._

_We gave her a little birthday party. It's not Flora's fault that her birth and your death are so inexorably intertwined for me. I won't have her missing out because of it. I am the grown up here. Gillian and the Halifax crowd came over. I still don't know whether I love that woman to bits or she is the biggest pillock out. She drives me to distraction but then does something so kind it floors me. As the anniversary came closer she couldn't have been kinder and I have been grateful. Anyway the birthday was light-hearted and fun and enjoyed by all._

_It was a pity your mum didn't make it over Kate. She hasn't been well and we didn't see her in the summer. I must try and take Flora over next year but you know me and planes. It will take a lot of pills! Perhaps Laurence would come with us in his summer break. He goes to university in a few months you know. He's put in for Leeds and wants to live at home to all our surprise. I thought he would be itching to leave. Not that Flora and I ever see him even now. He is quite the social butterfly and is heavily involved in the local theatre company. He is supposed to be studying but I am not convinced there is much study. There is only so much nagging a mother can do._

_The school Christmas concert was interesting to say the least. I don't think I am being biased when I say the choir has really gone to pot. Like all of us they have lost their way without you. And where on earth can I find a languages teacher with your talent? I've been through two already._

_The last year has felt as if I am living in a soap opera at times. I am not angry with you anymore Kate but some days the sense of loss feels like a massive anchor round my neck dragging me down. I still rail against the unfairness of life. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Bringing up Flora on my own was not part of the plan._

_It's not as if the connection is lost. You live in the very depth of my heart and soul. I know that with absolute certainty. It's the external manifestations of that connection ...your laugh..your smell..your touch..that are beginning to fade and sometimes I can't bear that. I can be brought undone by the smallest of things.' Will You Still Love me Tomorrow' came on the radio the other day and I dissolved into a blubbering mess in the middle of the kitchen. Lots of strong Yorkshire tea was needed before I could go on. But on I do go Kate. You would not expect anything less._

_Wherever you are my love I will find you when my time comes. Wait for me. Until then I remain your_

_Caroline xx_

Flora shut the book and lost herself in her thoughts. The depth of Caroline's love for Kate had never dawned on her before. Caroline had been right. True connections were born not made. How lucky had she been to have been brought up by this woman and how lucky was she to have found Erin. She was truly blessed.


	4. Chapter 4

A gift for Flora Chapter four

The early mornings were Flora's favourite time. Those hours when the world was quiet and thoughts could rumble around in her head undisturbed. She slid out of bed so that she wouldn't wake her partner. Picking up her mother's letters she sat herself once more in the old rocking chair, put on the little reading light and took herself back in time.

_January 2020_

_My dearest Kate_

_And so five years has passed and still I think of you daily. Will that ever change I wonder. Don't get me wrong I am not stuck in the past and I don't wallow in misery far from it (that would be a slur on this bond of ours) but there is not one single day when I don't look to tell you my news or wish you were here in body not just mind and spirit. As the years have gone by the anger has completely left me and I can dwell on the good stuff (and there is heaps of that) and laugh at the memories. Our love is a privilege and has taught me so much about myself and the world in general. I am ever grateful. I use the present tense deliberately because as I have found the love doesn't die with the person. We just express it differently._

_Mindfulness Kate, being in the moment when I can has helped me cope and stopped me being crippled at times. Who would have thought me the consummate scientist would go all zen but I can't lie it has helped enormously and in my defence there is some really good science to back it up. I am not that good at it yet and I am sure you would be on the floor laughing at me but meditation has become part of my daily ritual._

_We now have a family ritual on THE DAY too. As you may have guessed from previous letters I now don those hideous boots every year and pull myself up Stoodley Pike. The boys accompany me and this year for the very first time we took little Flora with us. Laurence took her off to the hiking shop and got her fitted with her own little pair of hideous boots. I have failed with that kid Kate I don't know how but she is the biggest tom boy imaginable. She loved the boots so much so that she wouldn't take them off. Here I was thinking about the joys of bringing up a girl, you know teaching her about elegance, the pleasure of shoes that kind of thing and I get a tom boy. The universe slapping me in the face for gender stereotyping I suspect._

_Anyway off the four of us went. Oh and Eden the ever mad spaniel. It is a day the universe does not dare to spoil. Every year we have had the most beautiful weather. Flora reminded me of you skipping and laughing her way up until about half way when the legs started tiring and she ended up on Laurence's shoulders then William's shoulders until we got to the top. Once there I left them to eat the soup and sandwiches we carried while I went off and read our poems. They are still as moving for me as they were on that day five years ago. Did we write well or what my love. Straight from our hearts._

_Our princess (as Alan calls her) started school in September. Can you believe that Kate. I can't. She is one smart cookie just like both her mums. She is reading already and loves it. I now have to be read to at bedtime though I have persuaded her to take turn and turn about. There are only so many times I can hear 'A Minute's Peace' (about an elephant in case you didn't know) which is the current favourite. She is a delight you know once we got through The Colic (Laurence still talks about that period) the terrible twos and the thunderous threes. _

_School has been a lovely experience for her. I sent her to the little primary school just down the road. It has a nice feel about it and I had heard really good reports about the Head. She is good though I get a sense that I frighten her when I go to talk about Kate. I don't know why. I think I've mellowed being a mum again. I will see about Sulgrave nearer the time. I want the fit to be right for her. It turns out she is quite the miss popular in her class even if she is a clever clogs._

_Now I have some sad news for you my love. We lost your mum in the autumn. Your mum hadn't been well for some time. Perhaps you already know this. Perhaps the two of you have joined forces to keep an eye on us here. Who knows. For the last five years I have been convinced death is not the end. Your presence is too clear for death to be the end. I guess others think I am as mad as a hatter though for thinking that but I don't care._

_I was glad that Flora and I had been out to visit her in the summer. Yes I have managed to conquer my fear of flying. The boys plan to get us all to Australia next year. 24 hours. Might be a few hours too far but we will see. We had a great three weeks with your mum. She and Flora bonded and her loss has saddened us all._

_I guess I had better bring you up to speed with the rest of the clan. William is still ploughing through his PhD. One year to go. He is talking about being an academic and I think it would suit him down to the ground. He remains the gentle soul he has always been. I often think I would have given up over these past years without his calming influence. Funny he has more of you in him than his waste of space father and you aren't blood related. How can that be I wonder. He has a new girlfriend Emma and you know Kate I think she could be the one. She is a scientist which of course I approve of and is about to finish her PhD. _

_Laurence has surprised us all with his acting talent. He did finish his degree at Leeds and then got head hunted or whatever it is in acting. He has lived in Manchester since the summer and is one the stars of some tv show aimed at adolescents that I couldn't watch in a million years. I can't even remember what it is called. It's hilarious going out with him. Everyone keeps stopping him for photos. You know those ones people take on their phones grinning inanely. I must say though he is remarkably patient with the attention and he daren't get too big headed because he has lots of family to pull him back down to earth._

_Gillian is a grandma again. She still gets herself into scrapes and I am usually called to bail her out but I have to admit Robbie seems to have been good for her and they are still together. She and I have tea in Hebden Bridge once a fortnight. It's good for me to get out. Between Flora and school I don't have much time. I am also having to spend more time ferrying Mum and Alan to doctors' appointments. I don't mind. They are happy in the flat and I don't want them in a home. It is nice to have a bit of company next door. Since the boys left Flora and I rattle around in this big old house. I could downsize I guess but I can't bear the thought of moving. There are too many memories tied up in these walls. _

_Flora is growing more like you every year my darling. It's the eyes and that smile I think as well as the spirit that shines through in everything she does. I know you can't be very far away when I look at her. I love her you know very much. Sometimes I feel I have to love her for both of us. _

_The family will be here soon. Everyone has been here for a break and they all met up with the Halifax crew today over at the farm. Flora wanted to see the sheep. Dinner is back here and I am supposed to be cooking so I had better go. So Kate my dearest until we are together again I remain your_

_Caroline xx_

Flora rocked herself in the chair taking in the words her mother had written. She remembered the first time she had been taken up Stoodley Pike even though she hadn't understood the significance until later. They had gone up most years since except for a few occasions when the weather had been too bad. Even when Caroline had not been able to her brothers had insisted the kids went up often joined by other members of the clan. She couldn't wait to take little Katie up.

The door burst open and her young daughter raced in noisily ready to start her day. Those peaceful morning hours had ended and Flora quietly put the past aside to focus on the present. She would return to her mother's letters soon enough.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter five

One of the advantages of being off work for a while was that Flora had time to indulge in one of her favourite pastimes, cooking. She was a natural cook not bothering much with recipes but always managing to turn out something delicious. She had spent the afternoon making a chicken pie that was a favourite with everyone in the family. She had done it as a special treat as this was to be her last day off. Tomorrow she was to return to the rough and tumble of surgery at the Royal Infirmary.

The door banged and in came her niece Annie, William's oldest girl. Jo was studying at Leeds and it had been agreed that Annie would babysit for Katie when her mums were both working the same shift in return for board and lodging. Annie loved Katie and the feeling was mutual so all were happy with the arrangement.

Getting Annie to set the table Flora decided to snatch fifteen minutes with her mother's letters while the pie cooked. Once in the bedroom she rescued the book from its resting place, took it over to the rocking chair and began to read.

_July 2023_

_My dearest Kate_

_Yes I know it's unusual for me to write at this time of year but I have something I want to run by you. It's been over eight years since we lost you. How would you feel if I met someone. Oh I might as well spit it out. I have met someone who I think could be special and I want to tell you about her so that we can both be comfortable with it._

_It's been a long time since I have really enjoyed the company of another woman. There's Gillian of course but she is my friend not my companion I know she will shag just about anyone (being with Robbie has curbed this but you never know with that woman) but there are places not even she would dream of going. I hope. Sorry I am being bit flippant. It's the nerves acting out. Big breath._

_I met Joanne at a conference two months ago. She is a Head over in Oldham, a very good Head in a rough school by all accounts. Anyway we were sitting next to each other for two days and got talking. She has a science background like me and we found we had a few things in common._

_I like her Kate. She is quick and witty in a dry humour kind of way. Very no nonsense in her approach but at the same time not unkind. We have met up a few times in Hebden Bridge which is fast becoming one of my favourite spots. I wish we'd been there together. You would have loved it. Sorry I digress. She has also been over to ours a couple of times. Flora seems to like her, at least hasn't taken a set against her. She has even survived the Halifax lot. She got the measure of Gillian very quickly. The look on Gillian's face after one exchange was priceless._

_I have been on my own for a long time now my Kate. I don't know that I want to go into old age on my own. I accepted long ago that you were the great love of my life and there was not going to be anyone who could fill the gap. There is only one soul that is eternally joined to mine, I know that but surely though there is a place at a certain age for a sound relationship built on a solid foundation of mutual respect and friendship. I think I could have that with Joanne. I know it won't be the grand passion, that was you, but we could be good for each other. I lost my lightness of being the day you died. A little glimmer has returned since I met Joanne. It could also be good for Flora too though I hold to my promise to you the day you died that she would come first in my considerations. It will need to work for our daughter too._

_I don't know if things will go anywhere but I do want to try and I guess in a roundabout way I am asking for your blessing wherever you are. Your star, the star that was shining bright on that day you left us is shining bright tonight. Perhaps that is the sign. _

_Whatever this new step may bring know with certainty Kate my dearest that until we are together again I do and will always remain your_

_Caroline xx_

Flora reflected on her mother's words. Was there only ever one great love in one's life, one person whose soul was joined to your own. She thought of her partner Erin and how she might cope without her. She wondered if the universe could bring along someone who compared. The love they shared was very strong and they were very happy together, but this bond her two mothers shared felt to Flora like no other she had known. She had never seen them together and only heard stories from William and Gillian who both spoke of the depth, yet she had been somehow aware of it all her life. It had given her a sense of security that remained to this day.

Turning the page she began to read the next letter.

_January 2025_

_My dearest Kate_

_A decade has gone by Kate. Ten whole years. Ten years without you, ten years of bringing Flora up on my own, ten years of her not knowing her mother, of you not knowing your child. Ten whole years. If you are getting a sense that l'm a bit cross you'd be right. I am cross. Life isn't fair. Why you why us. _

_What about all this mindfulness I've been doing for years I hear you ask. Well it's very hard to be mindful with a house full of noise. I'll tell you about that later. What's set me off though is it looks like we won't be able to go up The Pike tomorrow. We've been up every year Kate and tomorrow is such an important milestone. It can't be the first year we miss. It just can't be. Bloody British weather. It's all this climate change you know. Things are all over the place._

_Yes yes I can hear you… breathe Caroline breathe. Ok I'll move on._

_The house full first. The boys always come back at this time for The Pike walk. This year though we have rent a crowd for Flora's tenth birthday. The boys have both brought their partners and Laurence has added a couple of extras from his actor mates. We are having a big party on the day and the Halifax hordes are coming over for it. We all felt we needed a bit of lightness together. The last twelve months have been rough. _

_We lost Mum and Alan within a month of each other in August and September. Alan went first. His heart finally gave out. He had been poorly for a bit and just didn't pick up. He died in St Mary's ironically. Mum just couldn't cope without him and died peacefully in her sleep a month later so it was all a bit much for Gillian and me. I miss them both. They had lived with us in the little flat all this time. Oh I know my mother could be a real pain in the backside and I never fully forgave her for not coming to our wedding but she was my mum. I didn't like her very much at times but I did love her. She mellowed in the last few years and clearly loved Flora to bits. They both spoilt that child at every opportunity. Mum wasn't averse to trying to undermining my authority either but luckily Flora isn't an easy child to manipulate even by a doting grandmother._

_Gillian was a right mess when Alan died. I am glad she has Robbie to lean on though she was over here leaning on me a fair bit. Between you and me Kate my shoulders are not as broad as people think. She is better than she was and is full into party mode. She really can be manic sometimes. I feel though with her Flora and the boys all grieving I haven't been able to. I suspect that's part of the reason I am cross right now. I don't think I was ever allowed to grieve properly for you all those years ago._

_Flora took it pretty hard too. She has grown up with them and misses them badly. I often found her in there playing scrabble like her mum used to. I am hoping she will bounce back a bit quicker than us oldies._

_I was grateful that mum and Alan were here for William's wedding to Emma. It turns out she was the one and they seem very happy together. We had the wedding here in Harrogate and Flora was a very delightful bridesmaid. We actually got her into a dress for the whole day without too much moaning. The wedding was the last time we were all together and I am grateful it was such a happy day. It has been a beacon of light in a dark year._

_In October Joanne and I broke up. We never got to the stage of living together. Neither of us wanted to move which in hindsight was very sensible. I think we both knew it wasn't going to last the distance. When it came to it Kate I had to be honest with her. I had to tell her my soul was spoken for. I did no do love her but deep friendship wasn't enough for her. She wanted her spirit to belong with someone and I couldn't give her that. You have my spirit in this life and the next ad infinitum. You are my lives partner my love. Nothing I can or want to do about that._

_Don't be sad about the breakup will you. I am not. I have a very rich full life and quite a strong circle of friends now thanks to you. You taught me I can do relationships whatever shape they take. Then there is this chaotic extended family of ours. That takes any spare energy. I don't feel lonely and in the moments when I do I can still feel your presence. Not that I say that to anyone but you. I have a persona to keep you know. The sane grown up one. They think my mindfulness is nutty enough._

_On to some happier stuff. Our Flora is top of her class. I know you would be very proud. The teachers think she is destined for big things. Takes after both her mums. Brilliant at science stuff, maths and music, very good at English but hasn't really taken to languages yet. Seems to have been influenced by Laurence telling her she doesn't need a foreign language as everyone speaks English. He can be an arrogant twerp even now. Don't worry I am working on it though I could do with your help! _

_She is turning into quite a beauty as she loses that little girl look. Still the Tom boy though. She thinks shoe shopping is worse than the dentist (heavy sigh). I am NOT looking forward to puberty and William has already stated what he will do to any boy who comes sniffing around. I did ask what he will do if it's a girl. He's gone away to think about that. She remains a very popular young lady despite being called a nerd by her brother. Sometimes I can't keep up with her social calendar and she's not quite ten. We did have an unfortunate incident just before her grandparents died where a new kid in the school started on her about her heritage and me being her mum. I left the school to deal with the child which they did quickly and quietly. It did spark a few family discussions with her on what she might deal with as she gets older. Really Kate I would have hoped in this day and age we would be past such prejudices but I guess its steps forward and then backwards._

_After talking it over with Flora and the boys we, well Flora really, decided that she go to Sulgrave next September. I am going to retire in the summer so she won't have to put up with being teased about Dragon lady being her mum. Oh didn't I mention that before. Yes me retiring. Don't worry I am not going to atrophy. I've got a few thoughts on how I am going to keep my brain ticking over. I am looking forward to it. A new chapter in my life._

_I sometimes wonder what kept me going after you went my love. One of us had to stay for Flora I guess. It should have been you though. You wanted to be a mother so much. I tell the kids to cherish those they love every day because life can be so transient and uncertain. _

_Now I am getting maudlin Kate my dearest so I will sign off. Until we are together again I do and will always remain your_

_Caroline x_

_Postscript_

_Did you have a word with someone Kate? By some miracle the weather improved so much we were able to go up The Pike. The usual crowd (me and our kids) and several members of rent a crowd came with us this year. Even Gillian, Raff and young Calamity turned up. They all had the good sense to let me go off on my own to read our poems. When I got back Gillian had lugged up wine and we toasted you our mums and Alan. It felt nice acknowledging all of you._

_The party yesterday was also a huge success. The Halifax lot brought a karaoke machine and we had a ball. Even I got up and sang Dusty. I can belt out a tune and in tune if I do say so myself. It was a late night and rent a crowd are still in bed so it's just me and a cuppa while I finish this note. Xxx_

Flora smiled at the photos her mum had attached to the page. One showed her in all the finery of the bridesmaids dress. She remembered it had taken three shopping trips to get a pair of shoes they both agreed on. The second was a picture of all of them rugged up at the top of Stoodley Pike doing one of Laurence's silly group poses. The annual walk was such a big part of all their lives. The last was her mother singing karaoke. In the last part of her life she could often be heard singing along to old pop songs blaring out on the sound system. Not long after her grandparents had died Flora had come in to find her mother crying to one of them. Her mother had brushed it off and William had told Flora the story of her mothers at her grandparents wedding.

The smell of cooking penetrated Flora's thoughts. Shutting the book and carefully tucking it back in the drawer she brought herself back to the present and went downstairs to feed her family.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter six

It had been a few days since Flora had had time to delve into her mother's letters. Work and Katie had been all consuming. Sometimes she found everything hard to balance. Being surgical registrar at The Royal Infirmary was pretty full on but she loved it, just as she loved being a mother. Shifts had worked out well since her return, with both she and Erin on day shift. While Erin bathed Katie before bedtime, Flora took the opportunity for five minutes peace in the old rocking chair to lose herself in her mother's gift.

_January 2028_

_My dearest Kate _

_Guess what! We are grandmothers. What do you think of that? William and Emma had their first, a little girl. She was our Christmas surprise born on Christmas Day, three weeks early. As everyone observed she's going to hate that when she's older. Even early she still weighed in at a respectable 7 pounds. They have called her Anne Katherine known as Annie. I have no idea who she looks like but I have to admit she is very cute._

_Of course amidst the joy, it took me back to the day Flora was born. Bloody hell Kate will I ever be totally rid of that day? Can you ever be I wonder? I suspect not, at least not until I am with you again. I have never told you of first seeing her have I. After they told me I asked to see you. They took me to a small room and there you were. Lying there I could have sworn you were sleeping. I sat there for the longest time holding your hand willing you to wake up. Eventually Gillian came and persuaded me to leave. She said she was taking me to see my daughter. I think I must have been on autopilot because I remember little, but I do remember the moment they put Flora in my arms. She was a beautiful little thing perfect in every detail. She was of course fast asleep. We sat there a while and then she stirred in my arms and reminded me she was alive. The tears began to flow. I couldn't stop them. I think I was crying for her, for you, for me and I couldn't stop. _

_A lot has happened since that day. I love Flora to bits. She has been a shining light leading me through many a dark day especially in those early days. She is a wonderful girl though I must admit now puberty has hit I could give her away on sometimes. She has an opinion on everything and isn't afraid to voice it. I don't know where she gets that from. You were never so opinionated. She had Laurence going the other day telling him exactly why his latest TV show was rubbish and she's only 13 for heaven's sake. No boyfriends or girlfriends on the scene yet thank goodness. I am not sure I could cope with all the angst that goes with it. You would have been so much better. She does have a wide circle of friends though. I am really glad about that. I worry about her rattling around in this big old house with just me. However as it turns out our house seems to be the favourite hangout. We always seem to have a stream of teenagers in the place. The only time the Headmistress makes an appearance is when they play that bloody awful music of theirs too loudly._

_I do admit Flora settled into Sulgrave well. She did have to put up with mother as Head for the first year of course. Well I couldn't turn down the pleading of the Governors for one final year. They weren't happy with the potential replacements. More on that in a bit. Darling Flora is topping her class in just about everything and I think she might end up following the science road which I would be thrilled about. She loves physics and chemistry. Don't worry though she continues to be musical and is a natural on the piano. When not telling us all what we should be thinking, she can charm the birds from the trees… just like her mum. I wish you were here to see how she is turning out, but then I wish you were here full stop._

_I did finally retire last summer. Sulgrave has a new Head, an Australian would you believe and an artist to boot. I wasn't sure how I felt about either of those points if you want the honest truth, but I have warmed to her. She won't be as good as me but she will do ok and we are becoming friends._

_Don't worry I haven't taken to sitting in the rocking chair knitting all day, thought I must admit I did have a dream the other day of both of us side by side in our rocking chairs. Let me say for an old bird you were very sexy rocking away. I digress. I am as busy as ever. We never know what's round the corner and as you and I know it can be utter crap or something positive. What has happened the last few months definitely has been a positive corner turn. It has been energising and uplifting and you won't believe it. Get ready for this. I am a radio celebrity. Yep I am famous. Well when I say that I don't mean famous throughout the land like Laurence, but famous in Yorkshire and Lancashire and they may have heard of me in Cumbria too. I am (drum roll please) Dr McKenzie Dawson Science correspondent for BBC Radio Leeds and BBC Manchester. I do a half hour a week segment a week on each. It's brilliant. I get to talk on anything I like and you know how much I enjoy that, plus I get to interview all these intelligent fascinating scientists. Last week it was Brian Cox. You'd remember him. All the girls thought he was cute. Flora thinks and I quote 'it's well cool'. Even William and Laurence are impressed._

_It's not all though. I took up writing fiction a little while ago and have just had a radio play accepted by BBC Leeds. It's set in a school and is a comedy. I have drawn on real life. Do you remember the time I yelled at 9F in Latin? That's in there. It goes to air next week as part of a series featuring new local writers. As part of the publicity they have done an article on me in the Courier. All very exciting and it keeps me busy. _

_Not bad for an old bird who turned 60 last birthday. Yeah yeah I know 60 is the new 40. Try telling that to my poor arthritic fingers some mornings. The family put on a big bash for me which I didn't really want..as you know I hate the fuss…but I didn't know how to get out of it. Anyway the whole clan was there from everywhere plus people from Sulgrave, a couple from Oxford and one or two others. William gave a very nice speech and Gillian gave one that was hysterical. She recounted the time I called her low life trailer trash amongst other things. She also apologised for missing our wedding day all those years ago and how it was a big regret of hers. She's a funny one._

_We got up The Pike again this year. It is such an important ritual for me. My way of giving thanks for your life and our love. You taught me to truly love you know, my wonderful Kate. I was a lost soul until you found me. I am such a better person for loving and being loved by you._

_This year just a small group of us went up. William was missing but Flora, Laurence and his partner came with me. Gillian was at home nursing broken ribs. She had an altercation with a ram who apparently mistook her for a ewe and she came off second best. I don't know how she manages that farm with so little help, especially as she gets older. Robbie is still in the Force (yes miracle of miracles they are still married), and Raff has his own life now. His firm have sent him to New York for a year which is wonderful for him Elle and the kids. I am off to see how the invalid is tomorrow. I love the woman as if she really was my sister, when I am not wanting to kill her. I have even baked a cake for her and I don't do that for just any one. She brought you up the other day and asked me if I had ever really got over you. I said I didn't know what that meant. An unbreakable bond is just that..unbreakable. You live deep within me. I think of you every day and that's fine. It's not as if I am not happy most of the time. I just accept the bond and live in the moment. The moment has been pretty full this last year._

_Your star is very bright tonight my darling wife. You must be looking down on us. I will take that thought to bed to warm me on this very cold night. Until we are together again I do and will always remain your_

_Caroline xx_

Flora looked at the bits and pieces her mother had added. There was the clipping from the Courier where her mother spoke about her life and her writing. Flora smiled at the memory. The article had brought kudos and teasing in equal measure at school when it had come out. The play had been a huge success and had been taken up by Radio 4 nationally. Her mother had appeared on the BBC Breakfast show in a segment on new writers. Flora had gone with her much to her excitement. Not so much because of her mum but because also appearing on the show that day was her hero of the time. Flora had almost swooned when chart topping singer Mandi McDonald had agreed to a photo. She hadn't seen the photo in ages but there it was. Her mother must have kept it and had included it with the clipping.

Flora turned the page to the next letter. Before she had a chance to read, her daughter raced in.

"Story Mum. Come on."

Ahh well, back to the present. The letters would keep. Flora tucked the book safely away, took her daughter's hand and allowed herself to be led off for the bedtime ritual.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Flora couldn't wait to dip into her mother's letters again. While her mother Kate had been spoken about all her life, to read the enduring love story of her parents through these letters was a joy beyond compare. Words didn't do justice to how she felt, as she read about her growing up being threaded through the love of one mother for the other. She had been unable to explain to Erin or her brothers, the effect it had on her. One day she would let them read the letters, but for now they were her very special gift. She settled into the old rocking chair and began to read.

_January 2033_

_My dearest Kate _

_Another big year passes without you here and I wonder yet again about the meaning of life, the universe, everything. Is it just a series of random acts and one of those took you away from us far far far too bloody soon? Or is there a hand guiding what happens to us all? If that's the case I'll be having more than a few words when my time comes, that's for sure. Bloody screwed up guide, that's all I can say. They must have lost the master plan that day eighteen years ago. It shouldn't have been you, not then, not that way._

_Yes my darling it's been eighteen years. Our girl became an adult yesterday, and what a fine young woman she is too. Now as you well know there were a few moments along the road when we could have all cheerfully given her way. Then suddenly when she hit seventeen, the obnoxious mouthy brat we had all endured started to disappear and this beautiful intelligent funny warm young woman emerged from hiding._

_As Flora has been growing up I have been giving a lot of thought to that old nature versus nurture argument. Are we a result of our genes or is it our upbringing? On reflection I think it's both. Flora is so like you in her looks and her mannerisms that it takes my breath away. Her smile brings me up short and has brought tears to my eyes because it transports me back to you. She's musical and very good at piano and organ which she loves. She was a natural with her French which was fortunate as she was also bone idle when it came to practice. My influence comes into play when I look at Flora's academic interests. She is a scientist through and through, and I am so proud of that. One of the offspring had to follow me, and the other two are lost to the arts. She has decided to become….. wait for it….. a doctor. Yes that's right a doctor. Well not a real doctor but one of the medical kind. Fancy that eh. She says it's because of what happened to you. She wants to prevent other families going through such pain and loss. Will be very useful having a doctor in the family as we get older. Gillian needs her own now, the number of times she manages to get herself hurt on that farm. The latest is stitches in her leg from an unfortunate encounter with a haybailer._

_Anyway after blitzing every chemistry, physics and biology exam she has ever taken, Flora will be off to Manchester in the autumn. I thought she might go to London and stay with her big brother in his fancy big house in Twickenham (top TV stars get paid squillions it seems), but no she wants to stay in the North near her dear old Ma. Manchester has a great medical school and she will be able to come home regularly, so I am happy._

_We gave our girl a big coming of age party. The house was packed. Everyone was there. Brothers, partners, children, the whole Halifax gang, school friends, lots of school friends. Notice I don't mention anyone special for Flora. There doesn't seem to be anyone yet. I have an inkling Kate that she bats for our team. There was a girl who came round a lot for a while but then the visits stopped. Flora was quite upset, but didn't talk about it. I haven't asked her anything either. I figure she will tell me when ready. She shares willingly with me since she turned into a decent human being, but I give her room to talk when she wants. I don't know how I will feel about her being gay Kate, if I am being honest. I am proud of being a lesbian. I regularly speak about it in the media, as it is often a central theme in my plays (more of them later). I think writers have a responsibility to mainstream and normalise our lives as much as possible in drama, not kill us off in weird sub plots. I don't care who knows about me so speak up whenever I can. Yes I know, it took me forty six years to even open the closet door and now I'm way out and waving. I was a slow learner and bringing me out into the light is one of the many things I have to thank you for my love. _

_Oops I digress as usual when I start thinking of us. Back to Flora. What I will worry about is what she will face in the wide world. We may be in Yorkshire (as you once forcefully observed while I struggled to find the closet door) but homophobia is still all around us you know. Often covered over but still out there. She is a strong resilient young woman though and she will always have her loving family on her side whatever path she chooses in life. I have been able to give her that for you my dearest Kate. She missed out on you and that should never have been, but she has been surrounded by a loving family._

_I got the birthday bash catered by a new business that's just started up in Harrogate. Good old fashioned English food. It went down well judging by the amount everyone ate. Laurence arranged band so the dancing (if that's what these young ones do) went on half the night. I was waiting for the neighbours to complain but no one did. They all love Flora round here and a few dropped in for a drink. It was quite a night. You would have loved it my dearest one. We could have danced all night. Yes even at our age._

_You do realise I am now sixty five don't you, and before the laughter starts just remember it was your sixtieth birthday too. I've got your rocking chair right here next to mine! I wonder what you would have been like Kate. Would you have let your hair go grey? I can't see you bothering with hair dye and grey would have made you look so distinguished. I bet you would have had lots of smile lines but few age wrinkles. Of course to me you would have always remained very very pretty._

_I guess I'd better bring you up to speed with the family happenings. We are grandmothers several times over now. Oh by the way do you want to be called Grandma or Nana or something else? Let me know what you think. I am called Gran. I am not a fan but it made me feel a bit younger in the role than the alternatives. It is a role you know and I love it. I get to be 'good cop' all the time, can play fairy godmother to my heart's content and best of all can hand them back after a few hours. I think I play the role very well._

_To give you a quick headcount. You know about William's two. Annie started school in September and is a lovely child. She and I have lots of fun together. James has entered the terrible twos which is a sight to behold. He can silence a room with one scream. I keep reminding William it will pass. Flora had a good set of lungs at that age. I remember her silencing a restaurant once when she didn't get her way and being so mortified as I took her out. People thought I was abusing her. The new addition to the family is Laurence's little boy David, born six months ago. He hasn't been an easy baby due to the colic. Took me back to Flora's colic… the time from hell. William thinks it's poetic justice given what a prat Laurence was during that time._

_William is still an academic at Oxford and loving it. His big news is his success as an author. Last year his début crime book was the top seller in the UK. He is becoming as famous as his little brother but unlike Laurence, is very uncomfortable about it all. Laurence is now star of stage and TV screen. Who would have thought it. He played King Lear in the West End at the end of the year to rave reviews. It certainly pays well. His house is very swanky. Makes our Harrogate house look a little tired. I don't know how I will manage in this big old house on my own when Flora goes, but I can't bear the thought of selling it. Too many memories stored away in these old bricks._

_Gillian feels the same about the farm. She just can't give it up. Robbie is retired now so helps out and Raff who has done very well for himself (something in IT) pays for a farm worker, but she still insists on being out with her sheep most days. Gary tried to help at one stage and I heard the row from here. He hasn't tried again. _

_I haven't told you about my growing fame have I. My science radio shows are still going strong and I love them. Talking science with like minds is bliss. However they aren't what is bringing me fame and fortune (well not fortune). It's my plays. After the success of my radio plays I've been commissioned to write the school stories as a six part series on the Beeb. You realise that the plays are largely autobiographical don't you. Our courtship will be immortalised on TV. The Headmistress seducing the gorgeous languages teacher, or was it the other way round. I hope you don't mind. It is a beautiful love story you know. We were so hopelessly in love weren't we my love. How else did you put up with my massive insecurities. I know we had a couple of hiccups along the way but the true connection could not be denied in the end._

_Despite my advanced years I still made it up The Pike this year. Rent a crowd came with me, no doubt to make sure I got there and back in one piece. I don't know why they were worried. The weather has been very mild and I am quite fit even though I say so myself. Gillian joined me and we proudly formed the OAP back of the pack duo, dawdling up nattering over old times all the way. By the time we got to the top the rest of the family had a lovely picnic set out for us. The day has such a rhythm to it after all these years. When I first walked it, I was in such deep deep mourning that I thought I would never recover. I thought climbing Stoodley Pike would bring me closer to you. Do you remember me telling you about it? The family were waiting for me at the top that first time. It was a wonderful way of remembering you. Now it is a joyous experience, a celebration of life, of your life, of Flora's life, of all our lives. This year each of us who knew you shared a story for Flora. I believe the absence of you has weighed heavily on our daughter as she has grown up my love. We have done our best all of us because of the love we feel for her, but just as there will always be a part of me that is missing, so there is for her._

_Laurence told of the time he thought we were doing it on the floor when you were in anaphylactic shock. Do you remember? I knew my kisses had an effect but that was a bit over the top. William told of the day he realised we loved each other because of the way we looked at each other. Must admit I had a tear in my eye when I looked at Flora and saw your beautiful brown eyes looking back. I told two stories. The first was of our joyful anticipation at Flora's birth, our hopes and dreams for her, and how proud you would have been of her. I told her I believed you looked down on us every day and how some little part of you was always present with us. I do really believe that my love. The second tale was of the joy I felt the day you came back to me, the day you walked back into my mother's wedding party and asked me to dance. Roberta Flack was playing. Do you remember? Even to this day I still can't listen to that song. I seem to remember not a lot of dancing that night but a great deal of kissing. I made Laurence blush when I recounted that part of the story. Mmmm what a night. For ever wasn't a mighty long time in this life though was it my darling._

_Until we are together again in the next life my dear sweet soul mate, I do and will always remain your_

_Caroline xx_

Her mother's letters were now bringing Flora's own memories flooding back. Her mum had been so proud when she had decided to be a doctor. She had grown up knowing what had happened to her mother Kate and it had been a deciding factor in a decision she had never regretted. Someone very wise had once told her that way leads onto way and it had. The decision to be a doctor had lead to her life changing in so many ways.

Flora thought back to her eighteenth party. It had been a huge night, one she would never forget. Surrounded by the love of her family she had felt very blessed that night. Growing up without her mother had been a weight in her heart from an early age, one she had thought she kept well hidden from her mum, just as she thought she had hidden her heartache at the breakup of her first romance. As she was finding out though, her mother's intuition was unerring. The letters were revealing how much her mother instinctively knew about those around her. Flora felt hugely privileged to have been brought up and loved by this extraordinary woman.

She tucked the book away in its drawer until the next time. As she got ready for hers shift she was aware of a tiny ray of light breaking through the grey that had surrounded her since her mother's death. Helped by her mother's gift, the first little step in healing had been taken.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

It had been nearly a week since Flora had dipped into her mother's letters. Life was busy as usual and Erin and she had decided to take Katie away for the weekend. They had gone over to the Lakes and enjoyed visiting Beatrix Potter country. Katie loved Peter Rabbit as old as the stories were. The little girl had been thrilled to see live rabbits in the field next to their hotel. The break was the first time they had been away since the funeral and Flora felt it was another part of the healing process.

With Annie out at a party and the other two girls in her life safely camped in front of the tv for a little while. Well to be accurate, Katie was watching and Erin was sleeping, Flora took the opportunity to dip further into the letters. She sat once more in the old rocking chair and began to read.

_January 2035_

_My dearest Kate_

_Prepare yourself because I am angry and if I drink enough gin while I'm writing this letter I could well become maudlin. Don't say you haven't been warned. Why? Because it's been twenty years since you were so brutally taken. Yes I have had to live without you for TWENTY years. I reckon that's a good enough reason for anyone to be angry. No I don't want to do my mindfulness today thank you very much. For once I just want to wallow._

_I didn't even get up The Pike. It's been very wet weather and on the way up I slipped and am now sitting here typing with one finger because my left hand and half my arm is encased in plaster. What a fuss those youngsters made. I wanted to carry on..a little bit of pain wasn't going to stop me, but oh no I wasn't allowed to. They even made me wait for mountain rescue because of my age… yes you heard right… my age! What a cheek. I was carried down on a stretcher… mortifying. And Kate McKenzie Dawson you can stop your laughing now. It's not funny. The girls knew I was as mad as hell so to placate me they went up to the top (in record time) and took some flowers. Humpf. Oh ok I suppose that was very kind of them and you are Flora's mum so Flora has every right to go to the top, but really twenty years and I end up remembering you in a hospital bed. That was far too close to the bone for my equilibrium, I can tell you._

_I might have to get that gin out just thinking about it. On second thoughts I think I'll sneak a glass of red. I've got a nice little Australian cab merlot hidden up here. That'll make me feel a bit warmer about life. Fancy sneaking alcohol into my bedroom at my age. If those pair of med students find out I'll get another lecture about drinking and taking a couple of antibiotics and the odd painkiller. I've already had that lecture twice Kate and let me tell you your daughter has a very strong bossy gene sometimes._

_Oh did I mention the pair of med students. Well I may have trouble expressing my feelings now and again, oh ok often (though I am heaps better now you know) but never let it be said I don't have damned good intuition. Our Flora is in love. The subject of her love is a fellow med student (hence the pair), one Erin Michaels from Newcastle. A tall striking girl with blue eyes and a mop of ginger hair. Another clever girl, not as placid as Flora, gets quite fired up about things, but I like her and she seems very good for our girl. Erin's been here for the last fortnight in the semester break getting to know us all. I've tried not to frighten her too much. The boys tried it on a bit… you know big brother stuff looking after poor little sister warning love interest of dire consequences if things go pear shaped. Flora soon put them right and they backed off, though not before I had had a good chuckle. As if their sister needs any looking after. I must say Erin doesn't see the least bit in awe of the celebrity status of the boys which is good. _

_They make a very striking couple much as we did my sweet love. We did didn't we all those years ago. We probably would now. I know a few things have dropped and sagged a bit, and right now the family keep telling me I am doing a brilliant performance of a grumpy old woman (I will take action the next time one of them calls me old!) but I think we would still be beautiful together._

_What's it all about my Kate? Why have I had to be without you for so long? You'd better have some answers when we meet and none of those airy fairy liberal arts answers either._

_I suppose I'd better fill you in on the happenings. Because I was in hospital Flora's birthday was a quieter affair this year. Everyone was up here but they just went out for an Indian meal which by all accounts was very nice. I wouldn't know I was eating mush and putting up with Gillian laughing at my predicament. As I am sure you remember very well I am left handed and life is difficult when you lose your dominant hand for a while. I can't even pull up my knickers properly. STOP laughing… that's what Gillian did. Anyway we ae all going out on Saturday even the Halifax mob to a new Indian that's just opened up in Halifax. Then the house will be mine again from sunday though the girls are making noises about staying a bit longer. I won't mind you know. I do love Flora's company and I suspect I will be seeing a lot more of young Erin._

_Flora loves medicine and is getting very good marks. She says it was the right decision for her. It's a long haul though. She'll be 23 before she gets out into a hospital. It was interesting to see her keeping a close eye on what went on with me in hospital. She kept the young doctor on his toes with a barrage of questions. I think it could be fun having a doctor perhaps two, in the house. With every passing year her confidence and assuredness grows. I wish I had been so confident at her age. I have no doubts that she will handle everything life throws at her and will be a great success._

_William and Laurence continue to enjoy fame and now fortune, though William's heart lies in academia. My own fame has now spread past the northern counties. Our story won two major tv awards would you believe and now I'm writing a sequel. I'm letting my imagination flow and writing the script for us that should have happened. There is too much sadness in the world as it is. I like my writing to having a strong core of happiness running thorough it. I must admit I hate all the fuss that goes with being well known and on reflection would prefer to stick to my science radio shows. I get stopped in the street you know and not for being the boys' mother. Yet another thing about my life that Gillian finds hilarious. I just find it embarrassing. Apparently there is now huge kudos attached to having being taught by you or going to Sulgrave at all. People dine out on stories of us, most of which I don't believe are true. I give very few public interviews and try very hard not to go to these award ceremonies. They are boring Kate and you know I don't do being bored very well. I have given a few talks on being gay and am patron for a gay youth organisation. At my age I think it's important to be a bit of a political activist and that's not boring. I took on the deputy Prime Minister the other week in a Q and A program when he spoke rubbish as so many politicians do. It was good fun. He deserved it. Pompous git that he is._

_I have become great friends with the two fine actresses who played us. Funnily enough they both have worked with Laurence so knew his family quite well. They ring regularly and call in when up north. I almost think of them as family now. Sonya who played you had you down to a tee. It was almost scary. I was transported back in time more than once. Chris who played me is a delight. Much to my disgust she looked much better in heels than I ever did. Heavy sigh. I do love heels. Never got Flora to like them. She says why would she wear something designed to cripple. I get mine out now and again and give them a spin, although I am more likely to fall over and break an ankle these days. That would be a good look._

_Oh I forgot to tell you, how remiss of me, number of grandchildren now four. A girl called Caroline Kate for Laurence. No imagination (but a sweet thing to do.. he can be sometimes). She is a gorgeous little thing and praise be, a sleeper. You would have made such a wonderful grandma you know and loved it as much as me. Oh that's what you are known as by the way… grandma Kate… nothing to do with me so don't get mad. Our three offspring took a vote. They do talk to the children about you and point you out in pictures. You are very much part of the family._

_Hang on I am wanted downstairs for something..probably to be breathalysed knowing this lot. Don't go away. I will return._

_Oh Kate if the ink is smudged it's because I've been crying. Do you know what that mad adorable loving wonderful family of ours have done? They've had a portrait done of you and me on the top of Stoodley Pike. It's beautiful. It was done by some top artist in London from photos they gave him. Apparently they were worried about how long I was going to be able to keep climbing the Pike (I did point out I have a few more years left in me yet) and wanted a way for me to remember all these years. I have to say the artist has done a wonderful job of catching us in our younger years. You're beautiful and so life like. Even I look half decent. The portrait is now hanging proudly in the sitting room._

_The kids got deep and meaningful the other day and asked me if there was anything about my life I would change. Apart from the very obvious I can't say there is really. I truly believe that way leads to way my dearest, and all my decisions in the first part of my life were leading me to you. While of course I would change what happened twenty years ago, I wouldn't change any of the major decisions I've made since then. They asked me if I was lonely and for the main I have to say no. Alone yes, but that's not the same. I was desperately lonely for a time after the accident, until I realised I had lost the physical you but not your essence or your presence. And of course I have had Flora._

_That has been very sustaining and I have led a full and mostly happy life. I haven't needed another partner. I know others do, but I haven't. Anyway who else would have me long term? Not sure you would when I am in the grumpy old woman mode._

_I do find that the older I get, the more my thoughts turn back to you, especially in the quiet hours of early morning. You taught me how to love you know, how to express the love I feel. You let me grow as a person and find myself. I have a lot to thank you for Kate Mckenzie Dawson. I know I've probably told you that before but some things bear repeating._

_The clouds have lifted and your star is now shining bright. Is that your way of telling me to drop the grumpy old woman act and go and join our family? Ok boss whatever you say._

_Until we are together again in the next life my dear sweet soul mate, I do and will always remain your_

_Caroline xx_

Flora looked at the pictures Caroline had included. There was one of her in her cast. Flora smiled. Her mother had been one grumpy old woman at that time. Not getting up the Pike had hit her hard but the portrait had brought joy. Flora remembered being worried about how Erin would cope with meeting 'the family'. They could be overpowering especially when the Halifax mob were involved and her mother in grumpy mode was an unexpected addition. Grumpy was not a side Flora had seen often, but her partner had taken all in her stride. The both of them had stayed a bit longer that year and it had been lovely having her mother to themselves. Caroline had relaxed as the house emptied and time moved on a bit. Erin had been able to see the mother Flora loved to bits and Caroline had been able to bond with Erin. That bond had only grown stronger over the years and she knew that Erin missed her mother almost as much as she did. It was one of Flora's favourite times.

Also included were reviews of the tv show and an interview with her mother. When it had first been shown, Flora hadn't known quite how to handle seeing something based on the love affair of her parents. Reading the interview she was again struck by how lucky she had been to know and understand how much her parents had meant to each other. She could only hope that she and Erin gave their children as strong a sense of family and love as she had been given.

Flora shut the book and lay it gently back in its resting place until the next time. The world felt a much better place for the love of her parents and for these letters.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

Several months had passed since Caroline's death. The light had come back a little into Flora's life. Losing her mother had hit her hard but she had begun to be able to talk of her with joy instead of tears and laugh at memories with her brothers. William and Laurence had been up to Harrogate for the weekend without their families to celebrate Caroline's birthday. As the wine flowed, the three siblings had regaled Erin with hilarious tales of their mother. Flora hadn't even head some about her days at Sulgrave when she strutted through the school, her academic gown flowing, striking fear into boys with just a stare.

Flora had woken up early the next morning with both of her mothers very much in her thoughts. With everyone else asleep she took Caroline's book out of its resting place and sat in the rocking chair.

_January 2039_

_My dearest Kate_

_Well another year has passed and here I am writing again. I must admit now I have hit 70 I am beginning to slow down a bit though I refuse to admit that to anyone but you. This getting old is not for wimps though it does have its advantages. I am working hard at perfecting my grumpy old woman techniques especially with these young whipper snipper brats serving in shops these days. They think they know everything. As if that's likely! I am not an Oxford PhD for nothing. Mind I don't get away with being the grumpy old woman at home. Flora gently reminds me to behave if I try. She often tells me to behave. Honestly Kate sometimes I wonder who is the mother and who is the child. I'm not allowed any fun!_

_This has been some twelve months. Flora graduated in the summer Can you imagine Kate..Dr Flora McKenzie Dawson. Oh my darling you would have been so proud. I was. I cried for both of us as she walked across the stage in her gown. She looked magnificent although she should have been wearing heels. I have tried all these years and failed in that department. Even the boys were teary when she walked across as the last student to graduate. She was last because to cap everything off she won the University Medal for the top student in her year and was chosen by her peers to make the thank you speech. Our Flora top of the class and popular. We raised a very beautiful very clever young woman. _

_She and Erin are living with me now as they are both in local hospitals doing their residences. Flora is at the Royal Infirmary and Erin is at St Mary's. I don't know how I feel about that, given what happened. I am sure though both girls will be top doctors wherever they are. The two of them are very strong together. Flora tells me Erin is the one and seeing them together I don't doubt it. They are good for each other. You were the one for me, still are you know. I remember so clearly of instinctively being aware of where you were in a room full of people. I could be talking, and look up knowing when I did that our eyes would meet. Is that what being at one with another is do you think…. having that link, that telepathic link. We certainly had it didn't we. I waited over forty years for you only for you to go so quickly. But do you know I wouldn't have missed that time for the world my dearest. Every day of my life has been so much richer for you being in it. I would have taken a day if that's all I could have._

_Miracle of miracles I was able to get up The Pike this year, thought I don't know if I will manage another year. It's the dicky left knee that will do me in. Arthritis you know. The doctor tells me I need a knee replacement but I am not keen. I have had a policy of avoiding hospitals if at all humanly possible since losing you. Flora and Erin are nagging me a lot about it, and I have promised to think about it. Anyway out came those old hideous boots once more. Over the years I have become quite fond of them. Flora is never to know that. I have an image to maintain. The Pike traditional was a lovely day this time after a couple of dramas in recent years. Our children and Erin came with me so it was a small group for once. Dicky knee aside I thought I did quite well and didn't let the grumpy old women of the world down. I held my own with those unfit sons of ours anyway. Of course Laurence claimed he was just going slowly so as not to show me up. Ah well he always did have a delusional streak. _

_The weather was beautiful, one of those sparkling bright winter days where the sky takes on a particularly bright hue and the air has that clarity that only comes from the cold. We took it slowly, soaking it all in. The ground covered in a white dusting of frost crunched and squeaked satisfying under our feet. With each step the little clouds of breath led the way as each of us exhaled. From the top it was so clear we could see miles across Yorkshire and Lancashire. I am Yorkshire through and through as you well know, but I will admit Lancashire is almost as breathtaking. We drank hot coffee to warm us up. The boys had added a measure of whisky and very soon my body was zinging from the effects of warm hitting cold. _

_The walk made my heart sing and not just because of the weather or the alcohol. I felt you were walking every step of the way with me. It was so strong I felt I could reach out and take your hand in mine. On the top I could see you standing there in front of me, that wide wonderful smile beaming at me as I said our poems. I haven't felt you so close for many years but I have felt that you were somewhere near for a while now. The other morning when I woke I would have sworn you were there in bed next to me. Are you trying to tell me something Kate, to hurry up, that you've been waiting long enough? I am not quite ready my love. Be patient. I have some unfinished business. The family especially Flora need me for a bit longer. She has done without you all her life. I don't want her to do without me until she has found her place in life. She's well on her way. It won't be long but I feel I need to be here for her right now._

_Our Gillian has had age race up behind her and overtake on the inside. She couldn't make it up the Pike this year. Finally her body gave up on being able to farm. Too many accidents across the years. She took it badly, there was a right to do, but she and Robbie have moved into a lovely little cottage up on the top road out of Halifax towards Haworth. He's happy I think but not so sure about Gillian. She couldn't be persuaded to sell the farm though. Luckily she found a very keen young man to take on the tenancy. He had to put up with her checking up on him every day until Robbie reigned her in. Now she only visits once a week._

_We still meet up in Hebden once a fortnight for a coffee and a natter mostly about family. I enjoy those chats. We have a funny old friendship. I would never have thought it all those years ago when I called her 'lowlife trailer trash'. She's almost as proud of Flora as I am and certainly loves having doctors in the family. She's been on the phone every day this week about her hip replacement next week. Flora and Erin are both very patient with her. I can't say Flora is so patient when Laurence rings in the middle of the night about any little sniffle. He is such a big wooze about illness and even worse when it comes to the kids._

_He and William are so different you know that sometimes I can't believe they are related to me or each other. Laurence revels in his fame which I have to say is considerable. He is so recognised that going out with him can be a nightmare. We are stopped every five minutes for photos. He laps it up. It energises him. We were both at Sulgrave recently to give prizes and it was quite ironic to see him so adored where he once copped heaps for being the Headmistress's son. He was as high as a kite. Don't get me wrong. He isn't arrogant about it. He wouldn't dare not with Flora and Raff ready to burst his bubble at any opportunity. It's more he can't believe his luck._

_William is more like me with this fame thing. We can take it or leave it, or rather just leave it. William focuses on his academic work and I guess is more famous in the world of the written word rather than on tv, so he has been able to keep some anonymity despite having a string of best sellers. Since my three tv series about our story Kate have been such a hit and my late foray into matters political, I do appear on the TV a bit. You know me, can't miss an opportunity to give my opinion. Well, honestly some of these youngsters on TV these days are so wish washy. If you have something to say then say it. What I am not so great about is handling the demands of the public, though I do try and answer my fan mail. Ha how funny to even write that I have fan mail. I get quite a bit you know. Our story seems to have struck a chord. Would you believe the fence along the side of Sulgrave has been turned into a little symbol of our love. For the past year people have been putting up rainbow love locks with C and K on them. Sulgrave took them off at first until there was such an outcry they decided it was better to leave them. There are hundreds of them. I must admit I feel very touched that our love has had that effect on others my dearest Kate. It's a funny old world._

_The BBC keep hounding me for more plays but once I saw us on the screen, I haven't felt like writing anything else, not even for radio. I think I will just stick with my science segment to keep this grey matter ticking over. Anyway I haven't got time with everything else happening. I've become a bit of an intrepid explorer you know. Just before Christmas I took myself off into northern Norway to see the Northern Lights. It was so cold I had to give up any sense of style. You would have laughed so hard Kate. I looked like a sumo wrestler in all the gear. I waddled everywhere. Going to the loo was an adventure. It took me so long to wriggle out of the snowsuit I was in grave danger of peeing myself, and after two kids and seventy years of life the old bladder control isn't what it used to be. Heaven help me if I cough, or laugh or sneeze. See what you've missed! Oh nearly forgot all was worth it when I saw the Lights. _

_This year I am taking myself off to Bhutan. The actor who played you on the television is interested in coming along (they both stay in touch and often pop in) and the girls might come with me too, but I am quite happy on my own. It's this thing about being alone but not lonely. Gillian doesn't get that. She needs people around her all the time. Her new cottage has a revolving door I think. Anyway why Bhutan you ask? Well this mindfulness that I have done all these years has I think been one of my saviours. It took me years but I am now good at it. I wanted a chance to experience it with people who are masters at it so am off to a little Buddhist retreat. Bhutan seemed like a nice place to do that. Yet another thing Gillian doesn't get about me. When I start to list them who knows why we are such good friends yet we are. Life is strange._

_In between everything I like to pop down to London and Oxford and play the doting grandmother. I do like swanning in, spoiling them to bits and then swanning out leaving their parents to deal with the outfall. It's what grandparents are for I think, and I have to play the part of two. You would have been such a brilliant grandmother though I am not half bad._

_The clouds are out tonight and I can't see your star. It doesn't matter because I can feel you close. Patience my love patience. It won't be many more years until we are together for ever. And forever is a mighty long time if you remember._

_Until then my one true soul mate, I do and will always remain your_

_Caroline xx_

Flora scanned the photos her mother had put in the book. There was one of her in her gown at graduation. What a lovely day that had been. She had felt the pride of her family radiate out as she had walked across the stage. Being a doctor had been the right choice for her. She loved the work and she knew she was good at it.

She chuckled quietly at the next two photos. The first was of them all at the top of the Pike cups of coffee in hand, huge grins on their faces. Laurence had carted up a tripod and watching him trying to get the photo set up had been an hysterical sight. The second was of her mother in her sumo wrestler outfit lying on her back in the snow like an angel, a very fat angel. Snow angels were a tradition her mother had begun many years before. At the first proper fall of winter, anyone around was dragged outside to make their imprint in the fresh white snow. Few people outside the family got to see the playful side of her mother. She was often a very funny lady, more so as she got older.

The final photo was of a small group outside a temple surrounded by prayer flags. Four of them had ended up going to Bhutan with her mother confidently leading the adventure. And it had been an adventure. The trip was one that Flora knew would stay with her for the rest of her life.

She smiled contentedly as memories flooded back. Her life with her mother had been one of joy and laughter. They had always been close and losing her had been hard, but with every passing day Flora was able to focus on the gifts she had been given, not the loss. Spirits raised and feeling the warm hand of hope on her shoulder, she stored the book away safely and went back to bed.


End file.
